I like to make people feel good. My favorite is showing the cynic that an amazing life is possible; you can have mind-blowing sex, a better self-esteem, or a trustworthy friend. While all is blissful, I get a high. Being swept up in a whirlwind of the best life has to offer.
This. Is. Unsustainable.
I have been busy attempting to understand what changes for me in these short but sweet chapters of my life. I can go from attentive to avoidant seemingly overnight. Through therapy I have begun to recognize my need to push boundaries in the initial stages of a relationship all while failing to set my own.
Examples of how this may show up for me:
-Seeing someone everyday for two weeks straight after first meeting them.
-Being overly agreeable initially
-Creating such a safe space for people that they divulge their deepest of secrets and relish in the feeling of being held, often for the first time in their lives
To me, the lover of learning, I am taking advantage of an opportunity to learn about someone new and subsequently gain an insider’s peak at their world. This justification would be fine if I were experimenting with inanimate subjects, but the human element that exists here is one that causes concern. I tend to intellectualize everything, a skill gained in childhood as I attempted to meet my unmet needs for mental stimulation. In deconstructing everyday life, something is lost. Humanity, perhaps? In the end, I am left exhausted and unhappy. I crave getting back to my own normalcy and simplicity, no matter how great the ride in someone else’s world has been.
Of course, I am in need of something as well. There has to be an incentive for me to continually pursue these situations, despite how infrequently they end well. When I’m not in the midst of getting to know someone new, I feel the worst loneliness/emptiness imaginable. My best guess is that this also stems from the lack of intellectual engagement I received as a child. I craved nothing more than having someone to see the world from my viewpoint, or at least attempt to learn more about how I see the world- show interest. As I’m certain you are all familiar with, the beginning of a relationship provides ample opportunity and motivation to learn everything you can about the other person. This is the time when people seem most intrigued about the way you see the world. Having an opportunity to attentively assist a new partner in having the best orgasm of their life is a small price to pay for filling the void of loneliness.
My next step is to work on figuring out what maintaining healthy boundaries in a relationship look like while also holding onto the fact that I live with loneliness. I am terrified and relieved that I have gotten so much insight in the last few months. I will be sure to update you all with any progress!