The Familiar

Since Christmas Eve, I have been plagued with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness accompanied by loneliness. What I am experiencing is agonizing but oddly familiar. It seems as though each time I begin sensing the onset of this, it is both familiar and foreign. In my new state of awareness, Im a lot more apt to describe my life as having been lived alongside emptiness. I have had an absolutely amazing 30 years on this planet, don’t get me wrong, but I have chronically experienced this consumptive diseased state.

I’m currently reading a book about the pathologization of hoarding and one of the anecdotes sparked a memory that I often bury from my childhood. I am by no means a hoarder (quite the opposite) but reading about one woman finding more comfort in things than people during a vulnerable time in her life reminded me of how lonely I was as a child. Always feeling like an outsider for being highly intelligent and admittedly “weird”, I can recall a period in my childhood when I would deconstruct ballpoint pens in fascination with the design. Inside most ballpoint pens exist tiny little springs (pictured). Somewhere around age 10, I remember frequently carrying one around in my pocket. It was oddly comforting. The tiny springs often became… friend-like. I do not remember assigning names or humanistic qualities to these springs, just feeling comforted knowing that they could forever be in my pocket- accessed at will. The familiar. The nonjudgmental. The trustworthy. The inanimate. I wonder what themes from this still exist in the way I relate to people currently?

Im experiencing this same familiar level of loneliness now- while being partnered. I can see that through sexualizing my emotions, I lose myself in intimate partners- particularly the “getting to know” you phase where you are more apt to finding out about a world that you are not a part of- a world that your partner exposes you to. I want to explore the reasons why I lose interest, especially honing in on the reasons why these excruciating feelings are arising now- despite a partner currently being in the picture. This is a huge gain in insight for me. Im missing something. Im frantically searching for a way to fill this void. The constant need for gratification, someone to put my energy into, someone to take my attention away, to seduce, intrigue, and desire. I begin therapy soon and am really looking forward to finding out more about myself.

I will keep you posted.

Alpha

Alpha was my friend. I was 17 at the time and had never really had any sexual experiences, I’m talking barely covering bases 2-3 before sliding into home, but I was ready.

Ready for me meant that I had serial dated boys throughout high school yet never felt fulfilled. My 17 year old brain figured that I was “too mature” and in need of an adult male partner to find my match. Adult male partners expect sex. I needed to prepare by getting over one small obstacle…I had never done it before.

I’d never romanticized what I though my first experience would be like.  I knew that there was a purpose in it for me- to come and learn more about my body- to come more- and warm up enough to learn the best ways to knock my partners socks off. I was prepared for this. Id been the one coaching my friends for years, Id just..never done it.

The way I had it planned, I would make a teen boy an offer he couldn’t refuse: a night of safe sex, in a bed, no strings attached in exchange for assisting me in reaching my goal. I was never interested in backseat awkward intercourse so I waited until my parents went out of town. No, I wasn’t a latchkey kid with oblivious parents that left a teen unsupervised for the weekend. I was smart. I was staying with family across town, but had a car. and keys to my parents house. That meant a comfortable environment for the five minutes of hot lovin I had coming for me that evening.

Alpha was my friend. I’d decided it would be best with someone that I was attracted to yet friends with. They had to have access to a car, be single, and trustworthy enough not to act like an arrogant ass the next day. Alpha was perfect! I approached him by the lockers and asked what he was up to that Saturday. “Nothing”, he said, “What will you be doing this Saturday?” “You, hopefully” I smiled as I pushed him into the lockers seductively. “My parents are going to be out of town, Would you like to come by?” It was on.

I was not into lying so I was a nervous wreck as I drove past my seemingly suspecting neighbors and approached my parents house. I managed to muster up enough courage to put out snacks and light a few candles in my pepto bismol pink room to set a mood. He showed up on time and we chatted for a few minutes before getting to business. I told him when he got there that this would be my first time, which may have been a bad idea but I’m quite sure there were plenty of nerves in his adolescent mind already, whats a few more?

Five minutes later we were chit chatting and giggling. All done. He asked about my experience and about his penis size (why one would ask an inexperienced person about penis size comparison is beyond me) so I was reassuring and supportive, that made me feel as though we were both comfortable in that moment. After he left I looked in the mirror to see if I noticed anything different about myself. I imagined my eyes lacking some twinkle and feared my mother crying upon laying eyes on me, sure I’d lost my innocence. Nothing. I hadn’t changed a bit but whatever, my mission was accomplished.

The story that I haven’t told is the fucked up part. Although Alpha was in my grade, he had an older brother that was two years our senior. By this time he was out of high school but not out of my life. We’d first met when I was a freshman and hit it off immediately. Throughout my young adult life I was certain that this would be the person that I would marry. I was head over heels for him and my heart still skips a beat at times I see him. So how, then, did I end up having my first sexual experience with his brother?

Id never been around the two of them at the same time and somehow convinced myself that it wasn’t a big deal. Well, it was. Alphas brother was hurt. Really hurt. We didn’t talk for some years after he’d heard what had transpired, but that is an entirely different post. I’ve regretted that for a long time and wondered what things would be like had I made a different decision.

Alpha and I are still friends to this day, as are his brother and I. BUT I never mention either of them to the other. I may be the only one in this alternate world where I can pretend I never hurt anyone in the process but the denial has been working pretty well for me these past twelve years or so.

This may very well have been the beginning of my fucked up sexual habits and legacy for being a fucking heart breaker, but Im really not sure. As I continue on through the historical reflection on my tropes, I hope to examine things in a new light, gain some much needed insight. For instance, you’d probably never guess that something similar happens with another pair of siblings a few years later… no judgements, right??!

Until next time.

Fantasy, Intrigue, & 3-Person Monogamy

I’m at the start of my fourth week of SLAA meetings.
This idea of fantasy and intrigue has been resonating with me as I’ve heard fellow addicts describe patterns of relationships that sound as destructive as my own.
Tonight I found myself at a meeting specifically addressing these ideas of fantasy (fantasizing, at times obsessively, about a partner, potential past or present and/or creating a fantasy facade surrounding your involvement this person) & intrigue. The more I explore these nuances in my addiction, the more I am able to wrap my head around how I ended up in this state. I know that I have an addiction to using fantasy to seduce partners into thinking that I can rescue them. I love making people feel as though everything they are seeking is within me and gaining their trust so that I can heal broken hearts. What I saw as a means of helping people has actually been a pattern of hurting and abandoning folks.

I am completely overwhelmed right now and feeling like a I am meeting myself for the first time and I’m not sure I like the person I am right now. There is both comfort and fear in such a statement. What I am committed to doing right now is continuing to attend SLAA/SAA meetings, beginning therapy in the next two weeks, admitting that I don’t have any answers and that I am unfamiliar with my true wants and needs regarding relationships. I have to relearn myself while exploring the root of my fucked up habits. I’m terrified. Imagine the comfort you feel in your home, the warmth that surrounds you knowing that regardless of how bad your day is or how fucked up things may be you can return to your space later and relax- letting go of everything else for a while. Now imagine that you return home only to find that not only do you not feel comfortable, but all of your things are gone and someone else is living there. This is how it feels for me to be facing my fears right now. Im so comforted by my addiction that as my awareness grows surrounding the hurt and pain Ive caused, I feel paralyzed by the fear of what will be left after working through this.

One interesting aspect to my current situation right now is the fact that I am in a relationship with someone that I hurt in the past and then pulled back into my life. She has been ridiculously patient with me during this time despite my being such a mess of a partner right now. One of the gentlemen I met at the fantasy/intrigue meeting described monogamous relationships as containing three people: yourself, your partner, and the relationship. All three needing attention and work in order to grow. As someone who is starting over figuring out what relationships and healthy boundaries look like, I know that I have been neglecting my partner and my relationship. Wondering if it is possible to work on me, the relationship, and technically start over while partnered. If anyone out there has experienced this, Id love to hear your point of view. Right now it seems like I am facing an uphill battle and can not see the top.

 

Standing in Cement

I am a fucking mess right now. I have so many feelings that Im experiencing at any given moment as I continue through this stage of gaining more insight into myself. Every conversation that I have with my partner sounds inauthentic because Im still figuring shit out myself. I feel lonely and hurt. Since Ive admitted to myself that I have some issues regarding how I use fantasy and intrigue to lure in partners, I’ve become more aware of my triggers and I feel closer to defining my “bottom-line” behaviors.

My partner is seeing the me that no one has EVER seen. By this point in relationships, the magic has already worn off and I have my eye on someone new. I would have begun blaming “us” ending on something, anything to get away. And then the cycle repeats itself. By sticking around now, my partner is seeing the me that I have never seen. I have never experienced moving forward in a loving relationship, working on things, or talking openly about what I see for us in the next year. The most honest response I can give is that I DONT KNOW. And even that is huge for me to admit. I do have love for my partner. I like having her around for the most part. We barely have sex right now though and that is mostly my doing and comfortable for me. I mean, once in the last 3 months type of barely. I feel as though Im standing in cement when it comes to initiating any sexual activity. I cant move. It feels as though there is a physical barrier between myself and my partner. I dont know what healthy sex looks like in a loving, monogamous LTR. I can have sex alllll day with someone I just met or someone that Ive known for years but never been in a relationship with. Today. I could do that today. And I have been hornier than Ive ever really known since I reached my 30s. So the fact that I cant even pull my partner in close and undress her is frustrating to say the least. Im attracted to her. I am just a fucking mess.

Wednesday was especially hard. See, my partner and I have different love languages. I need one on one quality time and lots of talking. She needs physical connection. Neither of us get that. So we both feel alone. Wednesday (Xmas Eve) we spent the evening together. But alone. I was really lonely and hurt. I left to take a drive and remember having so much anger inside of me. Xmas day, my partner was working and all I wanted to do was find a random partner on Craigslist or stop someone on the side of the street in my neighborhood and fuck them. I settled for some porn and masturbation along with a bottle of wine.

I am definitely realizing that I sexualize my feelings. I never want to feel the way I did yesterday again. But I recognize that I have felt that way many times and that it has no doubt contributed to the sexual risks Ive taken and search for fulfillment.

What am I doing here?

Hello. I’m TheInsatiableSiren.

I’ve always had a very liberal, open-minded view of all things sex and have made my livelihood thus far in the field of sexual health education. At 30, my longest relationships have been between 1-2 years in length before they dissolve. Right now, I am in the midst of one of the most important relationships of my life with someone that I love very much but there is one problem… we don’t really have an intimate relationship. We have had great intimacy and sex in the past but as of late I have found myself uninterested in the bedroom. As I reflect back on other significant relationships, I realize that I have always experienced something similar. I’m not sure what it is that allows me to have amazing, uninhibited, hours-long hot passionate sex with someone that I know on a friend, acquaintance or associate level but prevents me from having even lukewarm consistent passionate sex with my love.

That’s where this blog comes in. I am learning a lot about myself as I open up and explore my feelings around intimacy, commitment and sex. My plan is to recount all (most) of the intimate encounters and relationships that I can remember and see what themes or insights arise from this. Writing has always been a great outlet for me, but baring the most private details about by life seems like it could be cathartic as well.

All of this is very new to me. Ive just within the last two months begun trying to understand myself better as a sexual and loving being. Next week I plan on checking out some SAA and SLAA classes to hear other peoples experiences. Id love to hear your perspectives as well. If you or someone you are close to have experienced any form of sex/seduction/love addiction, feel free to leave any of your insights in the comments.

Thanks for reading.