Since Christmas Eve, I have been plagued with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness accompanied by loneliness. What I am experiencing is agonizing but oddly familiar. It seems as though each time I begin sensing the onset of this, it is both familiar and foreign. In my new state of awareness, Im a lot more apt to describe my life as having been lived alongside emptiness. I have had an absolutely amazing 30 years on this planet, don’t get me wrong, but I have chronically experienced this consumptive diseased state.
I’m currently reading a book about the pathologization of hoarding and one of the anecdotes sparked a memory that I often bury from my childhood. I am by no means a hoarder (quite the opposite) but reading about one woman finding more comfort in things than people during a vulnerable time in her life reminded me of how lonely I was as a child. Always feeling like an outsider for being highly intelligent and admittedly “weird”, I can recall a period in my childhood when I would deconstruct ballpoint pens in fascination with the design. Inside most ballpoint pens exist tiny little springs (pictured). Somewhere around age 10, I remember frequently carrying one around in my pocket. It was oddly comforting. The tiny springs often became… friend-like. I do not remember assigning names or humanistic qualities to these springs, just feeling comforted knowing that they could forever be in my pocket- accessed at will. The familiar. The nonjudgmental. The trustworthy. The inanimate. I wonder what themes from this still exist in the way I relate to people currently?
Im experiencing this same familiar level of loneliness now- while being partnered. I can see that through sexualizing my emotions, I lose myself in intimate partners- particularly the “getting to know” you phase where you are more apt to finding out about a world that you are not a part of- a world that your partner exposes you to. I want to explore the reasons why I lose interest, especially honing in on the reasons why these excruciating feelings are arising now- despite a partner currently being in the picture. This is a huge gain in insight for me. Im missing something. Im frantically searching for a way to fill this void. The constant need for gratification, someone to put my energy into, someone to take my attention away, to seduce, intrigue, and desire. I begin therapy soon and am really looking forward to finding out more about myself.
I will keep you posted.