I am a fucking mess right now. I have so many feelings that Im experiencing at any given moment as I continue through this stage of gaining more insight into myself. Every conversation that I have with my partner sounds inauthentic because Im still figuring shit out myself. I feel lonely and hurt. Since Ive admitted to myself that I have some issues regarding how I use fantasy and intrigue to lure in partners, I’ve become more aware of my triggers and I feel closer to defining my “bottom-line” behaviors.
My partner is seeing the me that no one has EVER seen. By this point in relationships, the magic has already worn off and I have my eye on someone new. I would have begun blaming “us” ending on something, anything to get away. And then the cycle repeats itself. By sticking around now, my partner is seeing the me that I have never seen. I have never experienced moving forward in a loving relationship, working on things, or talking openly about what I see for us in the next year. The most honest response I can give is that I DONT KNOW. And even that is huge for me to admit. I do have love for my partner. I like having her around for the most part. We barely have sex right now though and that is mostly my doing and comfortable for me. I mean, once in the last 3 months type of barely. I feel as though Im standing in cement when it comes to initiating any sexual activity. I cant move. It feels as though there is a physical barrier between myself and my partner. I dont know what healthy sex looks like in a loving, monogamous LTR. I can have sex alllll day with someone I just met or someone that Ive known for years but never been in a relationship with. Today. I could do that today. And I have been hornier than Ive ever really known since I reached my 30s. So the fact that I cant even pull my partner in close and undress her is frustrating to say the least. Im attracted to her. I am just a fucking mess.
Wednesday was especially hard. See, my partner and I have different love languages. I need one on one quality time and lots of talking. She needs physical connection. Neither of us get that. So we both feel alone. Wednesday (Xmas Eve) we spent the evening together. But alone. I was really lonely and hurt. I left to take a drive and remember having so much anger inside of me. Xmas day, my partner was working and all I wanted to do was find a random partner on Craigslist or stop someone on the side of the street in my neighborhood and fuck them. I settled for some porn and masturbation along with a bottle of wine.
I am definitely realizing that I sexualize my feelings. I never want to feel the way I did yesterday again. But I recognize that I have felt that way many times and that it has no doubt contributed to the sexual risks Ive taken and search for fulfillment.