I’m at the start of my fourth week of SLAA meetings.
This idea of fantasy and intrigue has been resonating with me as I’ve heard fellow addicts describe patterns of relationships that sound as destructive as my own.
Tonight I found myself at a meeting specifically addressing these ideas of fantasy (fantasizing, at times obsessively, about a partner, potential past or present and/or creating a fantasy facade surrounding your involvement this person) & intrigue. The more I explore these nuances in my addiction, the more I am able to wrap my head around how I ended up in this state. I know that I have an addiction to using fantasy to seduce partners into thinking that I can rescue them. I love making people feel as though everything they are seeking is within me and gaining their trust so that I can heal broken hearts. What I saw as a means of helping people has actually been a pattern of hurting and abandoning folks.
I am completely overwhelmed right now and feeling like a I am meeting myself for the first time and I’m not sure I like the person I am right now. There is both comfort and fear in such a statement. What I am committed to doing right now is continuing to attend SLAA/SAA meetings, beginning therapy in the next two weeks, admitting that I don’t have any answers and that I am unfamiliar with my true wants and needs regarding relationships. I have to relearn myself while exploring the root of my fucked up habits. I’m terrified. Imagine the comfort you feel in your home, the warmth that surrounds you knowing that regardless of how bad your day is or how fucked up things may be you can return to your space later and relax- letting go of everything else for a while. Now imagine that you return home only to find that not only do you not feel comfortable, but all of your things are gone and someone else is living there. This is how it feels for me to be facing my fears right now. Im so comforted by my addiction that as my awareness grows surrounding the hurt and pain Ive caused, I feel paralyzed by the fear of what will be left after working through this.
One interesting aspect to my current situation right now is the fact that I am in a relationship with someone that I hurt in the past and then pulled back into my life. She has been ridiculously patient with me during this time despite my being such a mess of a partner right now. One of the gentlemen I met at the fantasy/intrigue meeting described monogamous relationships as containing three people: yourself, your partner, and the relationship. All three needing attention and work in order to grow. As someone who is starting over figuring out what relationships and healthy boundaries look like, I know that I have been neglecting my partner and my relationship. Wondering if it is possible to work on me, the relationship, and technically start over while partnered. If anyone out there has experienced this, Id love to hear your point of view. Right now it seems like I am facing an uphill battle and can not see the top.