Alpha

Alpha was my friend. I was 17 at the time and had never really had any sexual experiences, I’m talking barely covering bases 2-3 before sliding into home, but I was ready.

Ready for me meant that I had serial dated boys throughout high school yet never felt fulfilled. My 17 year old brain figured that I was “too mature” and in need of an adult male partner to find my match. Adult male partners expect sex. I needed to prepare by getting over one small obstacle…I had never done it before.

I’d never romanticized what I though my first experience would be like.  I knew that there was a purpose in it for me- to come and learn more about my body- to come more- and warm up enough to learn the best ways to knock my partners socks off. I was prepared for this. Id been the one coaching my friends for years, Id just..never done it.

The way I had it planned, I would make a teen boy an offer he couldn’t refuse: a night of safe sex, in a bed, no strings attached in exchange for assisting me in reaching my goal. I was never interested in backseat awkward intercourse so I waited until my parents went out of town. No, I wasn’t a latchkey kid with oblivious parents that left a teen unsupervised for the weekend. I was smart. I was staying with family across town, but had a car. and keys to my parents house. That meant a comfortable environment for the five minutes of hot lovin I had coming for me that evening.

Alpha was my friend. I’d decided it would be best with someone that I was attracted to yet friends with. They had to have access to a car, be single, and trustworthy enough not to act like an arrogant ass the next day. Alpha was perfect! I approached him by the lockers and asked what he was up to that Saturday. “Nothing”, he said, “What will you be doing this Saturday?” “You, hopefully” I smiled as I pushed him into the lockers seductively. “My parents are going to be out of town, Would you like to come by?” It was on.

I was not into lying so I was a nervous wreck as I drove past my seemingly suspecting neighbors and approached my parents house. I managed to muster up enough courage to put out snacks and light a few candles in my pepto bismol pink room to set a mood. He showed up on time and we chatted for a few minutes before getting to business. I told him when he got there that this would be my first time, which may have been a bad idea but I’m quite sure there were plenty of nerves in his adolescent mind already, whats a few more?

Five minutes later we were chit chatting and giggling. All done. He asked about my experience and about his penis size (why one would ask an inexperienced person about penis size comparison is beyond me) so I was reassuring and supportive, that made me feel as though we were both comfortable in that moment. After he left I looked in the mirror to see if I noticed anything different about myself. I imagined my eyes lacking some twinkle and feared my mother crying upon laying eyes on me, sure I’d lost my innocence. Nothing. I hadn’t changed a bit but whatever, my mission was accomplished.

The story that I haven’t told is the fucked up part. Although Alpha was in my grade, he had an older brother that was two years our senior. By this time he was out of high school but not out of my life. We’d first met when I was a freshman and hit it off immediately. Throughout my young adult life I was certain that this would be the person that I would marry. I was head over heels for him and my heart still skips a beat at times I see him. So how, then, did I end up having my first sexual experience with his brother?

Id never been around the two of them at the same time and somehow convinced myself that it wasn’t a big deal. Well, it was. Alphas brother was hurt. Really hurt. We didn’t talk for some years after he’d heard what had transpired, but that is an entirely different post. I’ve regretted that for a long time and wondered what things would be like had I made a different decision.

Alpha and I are still friends to this day, as are his brother and I. BUT I never mention either of them to the other. I may be the only one in this alternate world where I can pretend I never hurt anyone in the process but the denial has been working pretty well for me these past twelve years or so.

This may very well have been the beginning of my fucked up sexual habits and legacy for being a fucking heart breaker, but Im really not sure. As I continue on through the historical reflection on my tropes, I hope to examine things in a new light, gain some much needed insight. For instance, you’d probably never guess that something similar happens with another pair of siblings a few years later… no judgements, right??!

Until next time.

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One comment

  1. Pingback: Beta | The Insatiable Siren

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