I like being in control. This goes beyond sadism. I like being right and having a plan B, C, D, and E.
There is no way to retain control when your world is unrecognizable, so any attempt at doing so can make you feel more lost than ever. I’m in need of finding comfort with imperfection. While I strive to work on myself right now, letting go of the anxieties that I have to do and say all of the “right” things during recovery will preserve my sanity. There is no perfect way to be an addict. Or a partner. Or a daughter, etc. My need for control wants me to focus on everything but my emotions. If I am busy making sure that everything around me is in order perhaps I will appear to be in order? More distorted thinking. By letting go, I have no excuses. I am better able to work on myself.
This year, I want to be imperfect. I am aspiring to put things into the universe and not having regrets or second thoughts that make me feel less than.
Through accepting imperfection I seek peace.