Over the past few weeks, I have been gaining more clarity into my situation. This hasn’t made anything easier but I am beginning to feel as though I’m learning the skills to work through things.
At this point I have taken a hiatus from the SLAA meetings. One one hand they have been a great outlet for me to speak openly about my experiences in a nonjudgmental setting. On the other hand I’ve noticed such great resistance to beginning “recovery” that it was beginning to feel like I was suffocating at the thought of changing my way, even as fucked up as they may be. Also, my schedule will be much busier for the next few months and my favorite meeting falls on a day that my partner and I have just made sacred (we both have that day off together). I don’t mind taking a few months off in exchange for quality time with my partner.
I have been seeing a therapist lately as well. Life-changing! This is what I’ve been waiting for. I was able to find an inexpensive, quality therapist nearby that is comfortable talking about queer relationships, non monogamy, and sex/love addiction. What a gift! As I begin to talk through the overwhelm, patterns are already beginning to emerge. I haven’t had a breakthrough specifically regarding my patterns for loving and leaving but I am learning more about my relationship needs and where they may stem from.
Regarding my relationship, we are at a stalemate. I’ve been trying to engage my partner in sex more- despite how difficult it is for me right now. She hasn’t brought anything up related to her need for physical connection. I am beginning to think she doesn’t exactly know what she needs though. She is seeming more and more clueless about insight to her feelings. Strange how someone you once thought was strong and self-aware begins looking different once the cracks show. That is the essence of getting to know another human though. Recognizing vulnerabilities and weaknesses in each other are our own worst fears.
I have come to terms with the fact that I need lots of communication and one-on-one uninterrupted quality time with a partner. I have an insatiable craving for knowledge, always have. A curiosity for everything in life. This extends to people I am in relationships with. Closeness, safety in relationships for me comes with opportunities to know as much as I can about someone. I love to pick brains. Discuss philosophy. Understand your values and why you believe they are so. My current partner is not a talker. Hates discussing feelings. Doesn’t appreciate the art of conversation. My worst fears have come true. We are the couple that can drive in a car together, sit across from each other at a restaurant, in silence. Conversation seems forced and unnatural. She responds the same way whether I recite her a book-length explanation of how my day was or I just mumble “It was good”. I’ve opted for the latter as of late. Not wasting my breath. This also means I haven’t asked for her perception on how “we” are going or updated her on my progress in therapy, etc. Things are more peaceful this way but neither of us are happy. Just surviving. Together. Somethings got to give.
As the fog lifts, I’m beginning to see the work that I need to do to learn more about how I can improve my impact on the world and cause less harm in relationships. Simultaneously I see the things that need work in my relationship. Some aspects mutually exclusive. Some not. But at this time I have to be realistic about the energy I’m putting into either side.